News - Nintendo @ E3

- Nintendo @ E3 -

A summary of sorts

Robotchicken Reggie!

*cough*

Because Nintendo can do whatever they want

Iwata VS. Reggie! FIGHT

MORTAL KOMBAT

We all needed this in our lives. Two titans, battling to the death! Well, the nintendo version of death which isn't permanent and generally is full of smiles but still! DEATH!

Super Smash Brothers 4

I wonder how many Miis you can add

Now, I know I can't be the only one who's wanted to reach into the TV and beat the crap out of Mario for being a massive prick..GOOD NEWS now you can! Yes that's right now you can be in the game which is where Iwata and Reggie end up duking it out, that is until Iwata pulls out a Mario figure and summons him into the game to whoop Reggies ass. We got to see 3 types of Mii fighter: The Brawler, Swordfighter and Gunner, and you get to pick 4 special moves from 12 choices and there are 36 special moves in total or something close to that. Then we got to see something fantastic, the ability to put Miis such Ice-T in the game and then give him a great entry pun like Ice-T Pours it on!...Oh and the 3DS version is coming thank you for the patience.

Of course there is more than just battle mode so CUE THE COMPILATION! Sandbag mode is back so jump for joy and find the best way of glitching it to max out the distance you smack it. Trophies make a triumphant return and it seems like you can bet on matches now? Most importantly Master Hand is back. All hail Master Hand! 3DS version will be with us October 3rd and the WiiU version sometime Holiday 2014.

Reggie Fils-Anime

...

His body is ready to tell you all about Nintendo's new product line 'Amiibo' which brings toys to life MUCH like Skylanders and apparently this new system will benefit Disney Infinity and Skylands so that's great for all the kids and manchildren. The way it works is the WiiU gamepad will recognise the chip inside the figure and the bring the character to life in the game (this is all Smash specific) and will also store data that changes as you play such as stats and who knows what. Smash will be the first Amiibo supported game with more to follow such as Mario Kart 8. If I was 10 years old I would be crapping my pants with excitement...I won't lie I kind of am anyway and I'm a 25year old man. Reggie Kawaii-Desu closes by recanting his love for Super Mario World while the camera slowly zooms in on his big face..

Yoshi's Woolly World

Not epic yarn

First of all this is NOT the same as Kirby's Epic Yarn (definitely is). The devs are touting a more explorable style of play with no time limit and by having Yoshi made out of yarn he can transform to change up the play style for example turning his tail into a propellor and flying. You can also have your friend join you and much like the new Mario games you can either help each other out or spend all your time dicking each other over till you hate each other.

Captain Toad Treasure Tracker

Good looking water

Well the little bastard got a game though I couldn't tell you what it is...It's an isometric-ish world explorer with potential puzzle solving? Not a damn clue sorry, no idea. Holiday 2014 though so maybe we'll figure it out then...

Zeldaaaaaaaaaraghhhhhhh!

Hoh! HOH!

AHHHHH!!! But first lets talk about some grassroots Zelda, earlier games featured a lot more exploration and as 3D came about it was harder for them to make the same feeling and create one big connected world. Until now! OHHHH I don't care if it's all conceptual or anything it was gorgeous and I want to cry. They boasted a 'go anywhere' style of play with puzzle solving based on what you want to actually do in the game thus making a less linear experience.

Then something wonderful happened. A boy who we can assume is Link takes off on his horse and is chased by a giant lazer spider tank, pelts it with arrows then leaps into the air, shows off his sweet new bow and blows it to buggery. 2015! 

Pokemon Omega and Alpha

Rawr

Well it's more of the same and looks a lot like X and Y and lets be honest you'll all buy it! Lots of new mega-evolutions including ones for the legendaries. November 21st, make sure your 3DS is dusted off in time.

Bayonetta 2

Yes?

The witch is back and she's had a hair cut which brings into question how all her hair power things work...I know WiiU owners are super hyped for this game because it's one of the few serious games they'll have but watching the trailer and seeing some gameplay you can't help but think "Yea great stuff but it would look so much better one PS4 or something". That being said it definitely still plays like Bayonetta in that you fight ridiculous monsters both in size and design so don't worry about that. In what I have to say is a great move they're throwing the first game in with the sequel so you can catch up on the action AND the lovely leading lady will have alternate costumes and from what we've seen there will be at least Link and Samus. October 2014.

Hyrule Warriors

Line em up annnnd P-twang

Firstly, these devs really like Dynasty Warriors. It's you vs the hoards of evil as you travel to whichever area you're most needed in to confront or assist with whatever's happening. It looks great, absolutely great and they say that if you like a particular character from the universe then you'll probably be able to play as them because there are loads of characters in this game apparently. Currently confirmed we have Link, Zelda, Impa and Midna and 2player mode has been confirmed with one person playing on the game pad and the other on the TV. Yea it looks great so far and it's coming September 26th this year which is great and it looks like Dynasty Warriors which they love remember..

Kirby...something

erm

Erm..I've got nothing on this I was sat jaw open and confused whilst watching this. It looks like Kirby is constantly moving and you have to direct him by drawing lines in his way or something...2015 

Xenoblade Chronicles X

Don't know what's going on here but I want it

Mech fighting tanks fighting in space with dragons!

Oh you want more? Well it's a JRPG as if you couldn't tell by the description and it's either a sequel to the original Xenoblade Chronicles on Wii or just set in the same universe. It's exactly what the WiiU needs, a solid 250+ hour JRPG experience that will hopefully make great use of all the WiiUs features. Sadly we have to wait for 2015.

Mario Maker

People will make levels designed to make you cry

Finally we'll be able to make all those sweet Mario mods we've all dreamed of, not exactly though but if you've ever played Mario and though "I could make a better level than this" well now you have the chance to back that statement up. When designing levels you can switch between classic and new Mario, currently we don't know how deep the customisation will go but it's an exciting prospect and definitely a step in the right direction for the franchise. Or it will be in 2015..

Splatoon

So much colour and squids

A definite contender for the best named game of the show Splatoon is a 4v4 online action game where two teams compete for map control based on the ratio of their teams ink on the field, oh and you're all squids. You have the ability to switch between squid form and human form, in squid form you'll be able to move through your teams ink at incredible speeds and even lie in wait to murder an enemy who's pushing too far. In human form you shoot your ink to cover the map and kill the other team but you will move crushingly slow if you're on the enemy ink.

How fantastically bizarre this is! Sure it's a little cartoony but it's great, a nice change from the usual kill kill kill experience. Definitely a bold move and there should be a lot more like it. 

Reggies back with a wrap up and one final teaser

Palutewho?

The teaser was an anime short of some tall woman talking about a fighter and long story short Palutena is confirmed for Smash 4. If that doesn't excite you then I'm not surprised because you too probably have no idea about the Kid Icarus universe but that's where she's from and based on what they showed us she's possibly got the most overpowered move-set in the world.

Miyamotoooooooo playing Starfox

Starfox with added  motion blur

END!

Summary

Great work from Nintendo this year, the first party stuff looks fantastic as you'd expect and the third party stuff is new and exciting. That's the last conference. Who won? Who care? Games people! 

News - Sony @ E3

- Sony @ E3 -

A summary of sorts

Hypeeeeeeeeeeeee

Destiny

Oooo I'm scared

Ahhhh Destiny, what are you? Trailer begins with something that looks like it could be Mars and then guns and then something about 'The traveller' whose arrival changed us forever and stop me if any of this sounds familiar. It all looks okay enough, if you want gameplay then luckily for you ps4 owners can play the alpha this week and if you're not a PS4 owner then you can head over to somewhere like Giant Bomb and check out their video on the alpha where you'll see lots of gameplay and such. Hopefully that will answer the question as to what the hell this game is..

Andrew House bitches

..and that's how I got Sony tattooed on my dick

Thank you all etc. we are committed to gamers and making playstation the best place to play and we love Destiny and fuck you here's a white PS4 bundled with destiny coming September 9th *angels sing, people cry, world peace ensues*

The Order 1886

I say old bean would you fack orf?

Ye old'e London hasn't looked this grim and gritty since it was on fire all those years ago. We haven't seen much The Order since it was announced last year but it definitely looks like a covershooter of sorts. Our mustachioed hero is creeping around a building with his trusty lantern when he stumbles upon a rather thin looking man enjoying his meal of manflesh, when spotted our thin feasting friend decides to start transforming into an undead werewolf and try to rip our spine out through our stomach. It's at this moment where things get interesting because the transition from cutscene to gameplay is astonishingly smooth, if they pull this off in the final game I'll be impressed. The HUD is nice and minimal which is what you want so you're not distracted from all the shiny gameplay, and it is very shiny.

Entwined

As a colourblind person this image is offensive.
Check your privilege 

The heart-warming tale of a group of graduates making their first ever game and then it being at E3. The game on the other hand is about two souls in love who can never be together, it's a dual stick colour matching indie game where you fly green bird through green and blue through blue until you've done enough to become the dragon of love. It's a very nice looking game and given the circumstances of it's creation then these guys deserve some serious credit, it looks like something from That Game Company which should be taken as a huge compliment. PS4 version is out right now for $9.99 and is crossbuy so please use and or buy a Vita.

Infamous First Light

Those handcuffs..she must be into some hella kinky shit

For those of you who just didn't get enough of the violently pretty Infamous Second Son now there's more, not just some tacked on bonus missions though no no. How does a standalone DLC sound where you don't need Infamous: SS to play it but if you do have it then you get some extra stuff? Sounds great to me! This time you'll be playing as some ladyface not the overly excitable hipster from Second Son or the gruff miserable Cole from previous games. Look for this August 2014.

so I was just waiting for HOLY BALLS LITTLE BIG PLANET 3

Sackboys face says it all really

Sadly not by MediaMolecule (though it's hard to say what that means for the game at this point). I found my reason to buy a PS4 right here, I played the shit out of LBP1 and 2 and I'm sure 3 will be no exception. Four devs on stage played through what can only be a tutorial level and introduced us to some of the new features. First up was the new power-up 'The Pumpinator' which I imagine is just like those Air-Zookas you see in gadget shops, the one by one they bring out their new characters..

• Oddsock - Can wall jump and use super speed to power things. Is a dog
• Toggle - Strong and can toggle (HAH) between beefcake and tiny sack
• Swoop - Can fly and pick up characters. Is also a bird.

It will be interesting to see how all the characters fit into playing on your own, will you do levels as different characters or will you switch between them in the level somehow? We'll have to wait till November to see.

Shuhei Yoshida

..and it's just that easy to give us your money

Hello I'm here to give you some LBP stats about how many levels have been made and played and now I'll drop the bomb on you. All user created content from LBP1+2 will be available immediately in 3 HOH!!!! Now here's a new IP 

Bloodborne

Torches confirmed

Dark, dank, gruesome, ominous, miserable, evil, Resident Evil style dogs. Turns out this is what Project Beast has become which means this is the new game from the guys behind Demon's Souls and Dark Souls though Hidetaka Miyazaki has come forward saying that this is NOT Demon's Souls 2. Sadly there wasn't much to see during the trailer besides the aforementioned words that began this section. Definitely something you want to keep your eyes on though because who doesn't want more of these games, especially since this one has guns in it and you've got to wonder how they'll make that work.

Far Cry 4

So peaceful and serene...KILL THEM ALL

FINALLY some gameplay, but first let's talk about weaponised animals. Moving on w get to see some very nice looking scenery with a lot of verticality to it which you'd expect given the setting and all but you know what this game has always needed? Wingsuits, so grab one of those and continue moving through very nice looking foliage before trying to infiltrate an enemy camp and drop an oil barrel with a brick of C4 on an unsuspecting guard. All balls are on the wall at this point as we try to pursue the convoy in our liberated Tuk Tuk, now, vehicles were not a strong point in Far Cry 3..They handled like a brick and were useless since you could quick travel. This time however not only can you shoot from your vehicle but you can perform action takedowns from your vehicle to steal an enemy truck but oh no we need to destroy it so lets drive it off a cliff! Remember that wingsuit we picked up, well it's time to jump out of the truck and glide your way to safety as you whiz by beautifully rendered scenery and mountains and elephants.

Now I mentioned weaponised animals earlier and this is where we see that idea come into play, not before we call up our buddy to join us in his mechano helicopter and fly us over the local enemy camp. Taking to the skies in our kinder surprise toy we can shoot near the local wildlife in order to piss it off and make it go on a rampage, all the while we fly above and watch the madness like a BBC wildlife documentary. THIS is what I want to see, something fun! 

Dead Island 2

Role model

Well the award for the catchiest song of the conference goes to Deep Silver for this trailer. It all starts with an upbeat man with floppy hair going out for a jog, all the while he is oblivious to the zombies behind him and the world going to shit. But something's wrong, he's not looking so good anymore, he's looking a little...zombified. That is until he gets mowed down by a suped up death mobile and has his shoes stole by somebody who sounds very much like Jack Black..

This is a big step away from their previous trailer for the first Dead Island which was heart-wrenching and emotional and all kinds of great, the game was pretty bad but the trailer was great. This time everything's bright and colourful and funny which is a much better way to set up a game where you single handedly take out 1000's of zombies with ridiculous weapons. The PS4 will be getting exclusive content and a 30 day exclusive beta.

News fluff

Hey remember The Last of Us? Well it's coming back to PS4 and looks even shinier. Remember Diablo 3? Well Reaper of Souls is coming out and for some reason we're putting The Last of Us content in Diablo including clickers and an exclusive dungeon because money. I heard you wanted exclusive in-content on launch for Destiny, here you go. Oh and have you heard of Paradox Interactive because they've got something for you..

Magicka 2

Magic tea

What do you do when there's no more adventuring to be done? How does an almighty wizard return to an ordinary life, making tea and feeding his cat. Learn to spell...again with Magicka 2 coming exclusively to PS4 (and probably PC).

Grim Fandango..Yes I'm serious

The letter that asked for it, written by Tim Schafer

So...this was unexpected but fantastic news. The original cult classic is being remastered exclusively for PS4 and Vita so hold onto your anus.

Devolver mega bundle

Another big ol list of indie but not indie games coming to your PS4:

Broforce

Titan souls

Not a Hero

Hotline Miami 2 - Wrong Number

The Talos Principle 

Yes, you should be excited for pretty much all of these. Especially the shit kicking simulator Hotline Miami.

Let it Die

HMMMM!

Hey everyone, Suda 51 are back with a PS4 exclusive about murder or fight clubs or Manhunt 3? A highly underwhelming trailer with extremely low light levels and big dudes holding pipes and axes and baseball bats, all of which have stat windows for whatever reason. I'm sure kids will love this game but they're gonna have to wait till 2015 for it sorry.

Abzu

..and the fish will actually move out of your way

So Journey was a fantastic game and I would honestly marry it if I could annnnd this game has some equal promise since it's got the art director and composer working on it. The artstyle is just gorgeous and the music is amazing and there's whales! You're some kind of humanoid diver and you explore this gorgeous underwater world filled with all kinds of aquatic life for some reason yet unknown. Abzu will be making it's exclusive console debut on the PS4 and it's so very very pretty. Pretty.

No Mans Sky

Dinosaurs and spaceships guys come on

This took me by all kinds of surprise. A gorgeous, super colourful world filled with dinosaurs and aliens and did I mention you can jump in a spaceship and bugger off to find a whole new planet just like that? No Mans Sky is a procedurally generated exploration game which the developers say will provide an entirely different experience for every person who plays it. Everything is randomised based on the games generation algorithm, it's early days yet obviously but if they can deliver on those promises and there's actually stuff to do in the world besides explore then holy balls.

It's time for a statistics talk with Andrew House

no really, look at it!

Our console is fucking great, suck our balls. Here's project morpheus so you know it actually is real. Have some figures for PSN like how many people are on it and blah blah blah. We're doing so well we can afford to put YouTube on the PS4 now and you'll be able to upload gameplay directly which is actually great and will put so many lets players out of business as they're replaced by any kid with a PS4. 

Hey remember that spectator mode we talked about last year at E3, well it's still a thing but shhh here's some new playroom content including a dungeon background for all the people who like to bang on playroom. Did you know there are 25 free to play games on PS4 right now, me neither but Planetside 2 and loads more are coming soon.

PSNow, the service that will let you stream the entire playstation library (hopefully) will be in open beta on PS4 July 31st but only in the US and Canada because nowhere else seems to exist in the world. Don't forget though people, Sony do make and sell TVs which is why PSNow will be built into their TVs so all you need is a controller and you can take advantage of the great service (in the US and Canada). Remember Vita Tv? Neither do we but there's this new thing called Playstation TV which is coming Fall for $99 and also Vib Ribbon, that was a thing wasn't it...anyway

MORTAL KOMBAAAAT X

Yea that's the spot right there

I'm sure lots of you have seen the trailer that went up a few days/weeks ago showing a fight between Sub-Zero and Scorpion, well now here's an actual fight between the two with gameplay lifted straight out of Injustice. Definitely isn't going to stop me enjoying this because god damn it looks great and I want it right now so I can be just as mediocre at it as usual. The stages are a lot more interactive this time around, pick up a spectator and hurl them at your foe, jump off a tree and break a guys face. This time round you'll be able to identify these interactive objects much easier since they'll glow (sorta like Injustice) which again is great.

It wouldn't be a Mortal Kombat game unless it made you feel a little bit sick annnnnd guess what, it does that so very very well. The patented 'X-ray' moves are back with full force and every neck snap, bone break and spinal rupture sends a shiver down your spine, but then there's the fatalities which just take things to a whole new level. I won't spoil them for you but..wow. So over the top and it should be out now but it's not and I'm sad.

TV TELEVISION FLUFFNESS

EUGHHHHH WHY SONY WHY. Somebody comes out talking about Powers which is a comic of some description that's being made into a TV series and Sony is picking it up and it will be on PSN and PS+ and what not. Ratchet and Clank, they're a thing, a thing who are getting a film for whatever reason and there will be a remake of Ratchet and Clank coming in the first half of 2015...Also The Last of Us is coming out July 29th. Shiny Shiny.

Metal Gear Solid 5: The Phantom Pain

WHAT AM I

Odds are you probably saw this trailer already since it leaked the day before E3 but I'll tell you what I think. This game. Is. Sex. I'm not going to talk about it because you're better off just watching the trailer since I wouldn't be able to tell you what the balls was happening anyway. All hail Kojima!

Grand Theft Auto V

Higher res Trevor

Well it was inevitable really wasn't it. Coming sometime in Fall 2014 is a higher res version of the already damn nice looking all things considering GTAV and for the GTA online lovers out there don't worry, you'll be able to transfer your existing online characters just fine. 

It's not really Sony related but it's also coming out for PC finally as well so rejoice!

Arkham Knight

Bat nipples are missing

Mecha Batman returns to throw people off buildings but not actually kill them in Arkham Knight. Once again we're treated to a lovely seamless transition between cutscene and gameplay which is just the hallmark of 'next-gen' gaming. Now even though Batman does a pretty good job at flying or gliding or falling with style he does have that Batmobile and so as to not waste the money he spent insuring it and getting it taxed this time you'll be able to drive around in it or just press a button and it will turn up out of nowhere. It looks a lot like the Batmobile won't really be stopping for lamp posts or railings or trees or anything since it can just drive through them with relative ease.

It's not just a mode of transport though, it's a weapon, at the flick of a switch the Batmobile turns from over the top car to Bat-tank, not just any tank though, one that can strafe in what has to be the most arcadey design choice I've ever seen. What can I say, the game looks great so far and with the recent delay they've got some time to make sure it stays looking great. Then there were some problems with the tech, every started freezing and then this creepy assclown wearing a gasmask and a hessian bag came on screen. Yes Scarecrow was indeed there and he looked as horrendous as you'd expect, in a good way obviously, this is all to do with the Playstation exclusive Scarecrow missions or content or something to that effect.

One more game...will it be The Last Guardian? Will it? Please let it be..

Oh balls it's Uncharted 4 A Thief's End

I don't know, this cover may just be too exciting. Tone it down Naughty Dog

To some peoples horror and other peoples joy this was the last thing to be shown, though there wasn't really much to see just Nathan Drake pulling his face out of the ground and walking a bit. It's dark and ominous and probably sets things up well for something and it would be a safe bet to say this is the last Uncharted. Needless to say Uncharted fans lost their shit over this tiny tiny slice but 2015 is a long way away sadly.

END!

Summary

Sony Sony Sony, you started out so well this year then just lost it in the middle. I'm sure all the hardware and comic book talk didn't actually go on for 2 hours like I felt it did but still they should've had something incredibly strong to come out of that with and they fell short sadly. Also no Last Guardian, I may cry. Hopefully Nintendo can cheer me up...

Must..not...cry..I AM A MAN WITH MANY TEARS DAMMIT

News - Ubisoft @ E3

- Ubisoft @ E3 -

A summary of sorts

Farcry 4

Nnnnnheelllloo

Start strong and open with a bang is a good philosophy ey. So here we are watching an intro cutscene of some unseen manface on a bus in the Himalayas and ooooo there's a monkey there trying to steal your passport. First things first the game looks rather nice from what they're showing now, so the trailer goes like this - You're on a  bus and then there's a checkpoint and people get shot and then the bad guy shows up and is once again quite mad (but let's be honest he's not Vaas) and then he stabs some guard because....something. The old ones are the best for Ubisoft I guess since this is running a lot like Farcry 3, annnnnnyway they didn't show us anything other than this cutscene and it ends with the villain telling us we're going to have so much fun together whatever that means..just keep waiting for the Sony conference since that's where all the juice is for this game.

Aisha Tyler strides onto the stage to greet the masses

Quake beneath my mighty tread!

EUGHHHHHH but at least she seems somewhat genuine unlike some of the other presenters they shove on stage. Also it seems that swearing is totally fucking professional for Ubisoft so fuckin ey right.

    

Just Dance 2015

Twat central

Do you know why I despise these trailers? It's because they're hyper unrealistic, firstly nobody has friends like that, nobody plays games like that and who the hell has that much living room space to fit 12 people in their mid 20's pretending to have fun and cheer each other on with hip young phrases!? Not only is all of this just horrendous BUT we were forced to bare witness to an awful collection of people on stage dancing with their damn phones because that's right you don't even need a console to play this now just a smart phone with a gyroscope in it and friends who don't mind dancing like twats. Oh there's also this great new feature where you can download other peoples dance videos and judge them like the awful person you are. Awful awful person

The Division

What year is this!?

No gameplay to see here instead it's a whole new trailer of a guy getting shit kicked then saved by the resistance and then future nazi soldiers or something appear to try and kill you because this whole shebang is the result of a virus of some description and you need to be purged I guess. The trailer was pretty good though, not because of any of that but because it starts with an apartment interior and pans around constantly changing from pre-incident to post-incident which was interesting to see how quickly it changed in the months between from apartment to fortified living space and from city to warzone.

The Crew

My oh my, what a big wing you have...

Well well well it's good to see this game again. For those not in the know The Crew is a form of MMO-driving game where you can drive from coast to coast (in the U.S) with absolutely no loading screens and set up races and other unknown activities with your Crew/group of friends. Sadly not much more to see this year but the cars are indeed shiny and the beta registration is open now and oh yea it comes out November 11th for Xbox One, PS4 and PC.

Assassin's Creed Unity

Duck, dodge, dip, dive and dodge

This time we get to see some more gameplay in the form of a co-op trailer. At a first glance the free running has been improved and looks much more fluid when traversing a city and your hidden blade has been all fancified just like your gun which has two barrels because Assassin's. Speaking of which there are no ladysassin's in this game which I'm sure Tumblr will just have a field day with.

We get to see Mr. Arnold stalking through a building looking for the target and it's here that we see what I'm pretty sure is a new snap to cover system and actual crouching, I could be wrong about these being new but either way they work and again the stalking looks smooth enough right now. It's also interesting to that there was no mini-map on the screen, instead it looked like you could flash up icons directly in game, I can only assume that you'll be able to set waypoints to them that way...or they were just hiding the minimap.

Shape Up mother fucker!

WORK YOU SLACKERS

No prizes for guessing that this is a fitness game given the name and all...The pitch for this was making fitness fun which having spent a lot of time in gym with people trying to motivate me to move my lazy arse is something I know cannot be done through conventional means. The difference is that in the game you can punch asteroids or do some kind of dance dance revolution style thing or do sit-ups till you shit yourself. All this can be done either against your past performances or against a friend both of which sound equally hellish and yes this is the first game to use the Kinect or even mention it whichhhhh is quite the shocker. It raises many interesting questions though, can fitness be gamified? Does gamification change our perception of the subject? Could you really do a press-up with a whale on your back? Hmmmmm

Valiant Hearts

I am a man with manly tears!

Definitely takes the prize for most depressing trailer of the show god damn, go watch it. Made in the UbiArt engine, the same one used for Child of Light and Rayman Legends, this visually stunning game set during World War 1 tells the tale of war from a dogs perspective (I think). It was a bit confusing to see so just go watch it and be saddened by it. It looks fantastic and you'll be able to play it June 25th.

Yves Guillemot is small

I don't know who made this but I love you

We love you alllll blah blah blah well done to us we're Ubisoft OH and here's one more game...

Rainbow Six Siege

So many dicks will be shot into the walls..I can see it now

Well bugger me I didn't see this one coming at all, maybe a new Splinter Cell or..something but wow here we are with a new Rainbow Six game on the tables. The 'gameplay' we got to see was allegedly alpha or pre-alpha or conceptual alpha or something but I'd bet my bollocks to a barn dance that they're full of shit, alpha doesn't look anywhere close to that good and once again it's a tactical shooter with some awful voice chat going on. 

A simple hostage rescue is the premise of the gameplay here, to make life easier we'll call the teams the Terrorists and the Counter-Terrorists. The game begins with the CT's scoping out the house with mini remote controlled cameras and planning the assault with maps of the house looking for entry points, while this is going on the T's are fortifying weak walls and barricading doors and if at all possible destroying the mini cameras sent in by the CT's. Assumedly after a certain amount of time has elapsed it's all systems go as the CT's get into position to bust in through a window or blow a hole in the side of the house.

Tactical team shooter y'all that's what we're dealing with here, if you get shot you're probably going down on the ground and if somebody doesn't pick you up in 5 seconds you're out for the round and your team will hate you so don't fuck it up. The interesting or potentially awesome thing about this game is that they were showing a lot of destructibility within the house, more than just shooting holes in walls, you can use your breach explosives to bust giant holes in walls or better yet you can blow a hole in the ceiling and descend like an angel of death into the room amidst the confusion.

It looks like it will be a lot of fun assuming you've got a group of friends to play with who all use voice comms and will essentially role play..yea have fun with that. No date on this one but I would guess late 2015 and hopefully it looks great and plays as fun as they've made it look with this.

END!

Summary

Bravo Ubisoft you actually had a good conference with minimal cringing brought on by bad scripting...Sony next up! 

News - EA @ E3

- EA @ E3 -

A summary of sports sorts...

Blah blah Battlefront!

Motion blurrrr

Nothing like flashing your big guns right away or in this case small guns that aren't actually close to being able to be called guns but still hey ho here we go with Star Wars Battlefront. We're treated to the usual array of being told just how much the people working on this game love Star Wars and then we get the honour NAY the privilege of seeing some hella early conceptual footage featuring shiny foliage and storm troopers. Nothing to see here till 2015 people so move along

Andrew 'evil overlord of the new world' Wilson

AHH!

God he's looking more malevolent each time

Dragon Age Inquisition

Archer lady

Bam! Another big gun thrown at your face, or sword in this case really.  Unlike what we saw at the Xbox conference we got to see some of the actual in game combat with a HUD and everything which I always love because at least seeing the HUD makes it feel like it might just be real footage. Anyway some lady appears on stage playing some sweet music on her fancy Cello while we sit and watch shiny gameplay and shiny dragons and shiny shinies. Some story fluff is mentioned about how YOU are the inquisitor and you must assemble a team to beat back the evil and rise up and become a legend..Same old same old.

Finally some gameplay! Time to see what it will look like when you're flailing about trying to beat a dragon or at least kill one of its legs if the video is to be believed. It's all focused on the active side of the DA combat system which has never seemed like the best way of doing things in that game but hey ho they're playing with a gamepad so lets assume it might be the console version which would explain why the UI looks so damn terrible, conceptual or not it's bad. That being said the combat looks fluid enough and the character switching looked nice and quick, after that we got to see a picture of the tactical combat so yea thanks for that EA...

It wouldn't be a DA game without a star studded cast of other characters and no surprise they told us about some of them: Grey Warden man, Archer lady, Magey the mage and Big shadey bastard with horns. It's a safe bet that more will follow and most likely a few old faces will reappear. October 7th is when we'll find out so they better pull their fingers out of their arses.

Aaryn Flynn and all his feels

EUGHHHHHHH

Mass Effect 4?

Conceptual art for conceptual armour for conceptual game

Another round of conceptual shit that really adds to the idea that EA really had nothing to bring to E3 but booked the slot anyway. Apparently we're going to be able to go to new places and explore more than we could in the previous iterations and meet new people and have new music that will most likely be great. Not that much to say or know because I'm certain the guys working on it have no idea what they're doing for now but we'll see in 2-3 years probably.

Sims 4

Eyyyyy WEIGHTS

This is a bit of a shift in pace but fuck it SIMS! They're smarter and deeper and now you can control their thoughts and make Obama in the trailer..They're really pushing hard this time round on the whole personality side of the Sims affecting how they interact with other Sims and all that suchness but the main part is that they're bringing user created content right to the forefront this time and you'll be able to upload and download on the fly including just bringing a new Sim into the fold just like that. You can also laugh yourself to death apparently so that's nice. The premiere bastard simulator is out September 2nd.

SPORTS SECTION

Well it wouldn't be EA without a tonne of sports games that are in no way different to last years but regardless here we go, starting withhhh...

UFC

Hwoorrrrr

Punchy punchy grunty men in tight shorts and Bruce Lee for some reason, I don't know why anybody needed this but apparently we did else it wouldn't exist. Dana White came back to once again ignore everything he said in the past about EA what with the whole declaring war on them and such and he still loves fighting and wants you to love it as well or else he'll wrap you in his arms and snap your puny body in half. Body snapping or not this game looks bland and boring and I'm sure people will love it, better hurry though because it's out June 17th which is..soon.

*Testosterone sounds*

NHL 15

Is this the right sport?

...It's a hockey game? I'm English so I don't know what I'm looking at, could be Canadians but can't be sure

Criterion

GoPro the video game

Ohhh look who's still a studio and doing stuff guys, your favourite Burnout Paradise creators are still a thing and they brought some violently early alpha or 'conceptual alpha' footage of their new game. Or at least it could be a game nobody knows for sure and that goes for the devs judging by the video, what I can tell you is that it's a first person extreme sports game type thing..It looks like an entire 24hours broadcast of the extreme sports channel, helicopters, ATVs, jet-skis, that kinda shit. An absolute whole lotta nothing that is definitely not a new Burnout game sadly.

PGA Tour

EXTREME GOLF BITCHES

Shhhhh quiet on the green please as Mr. Golf attempts to make the putt when suddenly AN AIRCRAFT CARRIER SMASHES THROUGH THE COURSE AND EXPLOSIONS AND GOLF! More than just golf this time ladies and gentlemenfolk this time there's also 'Extreme Fantasy Courses' featuring the large chuck of caps above, not sure why but fuck at least they're spicing things up for once, even if it is in a golf game of all things but don't worry you can still have your realistic golf experience as well all lovingly rendered in the Frostbite 3 engine coming Spring 2015.

Madden 15

*grunt*

Time for your yearly dose of Foobawwl! More specifically American Football but still what do you want to hear, it's a Madden game, it's got throwing and tackling and crotch grabbing and all the other things in American Football

Sports section over (for now)

Dawngate

Bit of an odd way to come out of their testosterone section and go straight into their new MOBA style thing without really explaining what it really is. The thing that separates Dawngate from other MOBAs is the ability to mix up your class and change the way you build it thus changing the overall meta of the game. There's plenty of streams going for it on Twitch if you're looking for something that's not DotA or LoL or any of the other ten thousand MOBAs.

Andrew Wilsons back and still evil

"and this is how big it is..ladies"

Oh boy I do love it when they constantly tell us how much they love us and thank us and how they're putting players first because any other business model would sound stupid to the public.

Mirrors Edge 2

Conceptual man fighter

Contain your excitement people there wasn't much in the way of information here, yet again more conceptual alpha footage which don't get me wrong looks great with the expected brightness cranked up to 1 million and lots of whites but, conceptual alpha doesn't mean shit and it's hard to stay excited with those words floating around your brain.

Devs that were interviewed talked a lot about how character design is important to them as is the sound design behind the game which is great, we got to see some combat as well which was all hand to hand or hand to foot stuff which was nice especially if they remove guns from the game at least in terms of us using them. Still though, not much to see and no dates or anything so moving on!

FIFAAAAAAA

Kick the ball, earn all the money

Ohhhh who gives a fuckkkkk, apparently lots of people do since millions buy the damn game. It's a damn football game or soccer for those of you with strange tastes...Things are different this year though guys, the goal posts and corner flags will ACTUALLY MOVE WHEN YOU HIT THEM and boots will leave marks on the field and you'll get mud on your clothes! Hold on to your balls guys this is the future of fucking gaming right here narrated by Idris Elba who might have died a little inside reading the script for the presentation.

Battlefield Hardline

Yup

No surprises here since it leaked before E3 even started but for those not in the know Hardline is basically Battlefields answer to Payday or cops vs robbers, smaller maps all centred around either the heisters stealing whatever it is from points A and B or the police murdering them enough time to remove all their spawn tickets. Now this might shock you but just hold on, it looks...exactly like BF4..I can feel your excitement from here.

They still haven't come out and said "Oh hey this is just DLC" or something like that which is exactly what it feels like, I don't know why it exists but surely they can't charge full price for it even if you can set up zip-lines between buildings! The closed beta began during the conference and places were filled before the start of Ubisofts conference at least for PC anyway and to make things even stupider they took us live to a rooftop in L.A where they were hosting a Hardline tournament because once again, fuck you that's why.

END!

Summary

Well once again 2015 is looking like a great year and it doesn't matter anyway because SPORTS!!!!!...