News - Sony @ E3

- Sony @ E3 -

A summary of sorts

Hypeeeeeeeeeeeee

Destiny

Oooo I'm scared

Ahhhh Destiny, what are you? Trailer begins with something that looks like it could be Mars and then guns and then something about 'The traveller' whose arrival changed us forever and stop me if any of this sounds familiar. It all looks okay enough, if you want gameplay then luckily for you ps4 owners can play the alpha this week and if you're not a PS4 owner then you can head over to somewhere like Giant Bomb and check out their video on the alpha where you'll see lots of gameplay and such. Hopefully that will answer the question as to what the hell this game is..

Andrew House bitches

..and that's how I got Sony tattooed on my dick

Thank you all etc. we are committed to gamers and making playstation the best place to play and we love Destiny and fuck you here's a white PS4 bundled with destiny coming September 9th *angels sing, people cry, world peace ensues*

The Order 1886

I say old bean would you fack orf?

Ye old'e London hasn't looked this grim and gritty since it was on fire all those years ago. We haven't seen much The Order since it was announced last year but it definitely looks like a covershooter of sorts. Our mustachioed hero is creeping around a building with his trusty lantern when he stumbles upon a rather thin looking man enjoying his meal of manflesh, when spotted our thin feasting friend decides to start transforming into an undead werewolf and try to rip our spine out through our stomach. It's at this moment where things get interesting because the transition from cutscene to gameplay is astonishingly smooth, if they pull this off in the final game I'll be impressed. The HUD is nice and minimal which is what you want so you're not distracted from all the shiny gameplay, and it is very shiny.

Entwined

As a colourblind person this image is offensive.
Check your privilege 

The heart-warming tale of a group of graduates making their first ever game and then it being at E3. The game on the other hand is about two souls in love who can never be together, it's a dual stick colour matching indie game where you fly green bird through green and blue through blue until you've done enough to become the dragon of love. It's a very nice looking game and given the circumstances of it's creation then these guys deserve some serious credit, it looks like something from That Game Company which should be taken as a huge compliment. PS4 version is out right now for $9.99 and is crossbuy so please use and or buy a Vita.

Infamous First Light

Those handcuffs..she must be into some hella kinky shit

For those of you who just didn't get enough of the violently pretty Infamous Second Son now there's more, not just some tacked on bonus missions though no no. How does a standalone DLC sound where you don't need Infamous: SS to play it but if you do have it then you get some extra stuff? Sounds great to me! This time you'll be playing as some ladyface not the overly excitable hipster from Second Son or the gruff miserable Cole from previous games. Look for this August 2014.

so I was just waiting for HOLY BALLS LITTLE BIG PLANET 3

Sackboys face says it all really

Sadly not by MediaMolecule (though it's hard to say what that means for the game at this point). I found my reason to buy a PS4 right here, I played the shit out of LBP1 and 2 and I'm sure 3 will be no exception. Four devs on stage played through what can only be a tutorial level and introduced us to some of the new features. First up was the new power-up 'The Pumpinator' which I imagine is just like those Air-Zookas you see in gadget shops, the one by one they bring out their new characters..

• Oddsock - Can wall jump and use super speed to power things. Is a dog
• Toggle - Strong and can toggle (HAH) between beefcake and tiny sack
• Swoop - Can fly and pick up characters. Is also a bird.

It will be interesting to see how all the characters fit into playing on your own, will you do levels as different characters or will you switch between them in the level somehow? We'll have to wait till November to see.

Shuhei Yoshida

..and it's just that easy to give us your money

Hello I'm here to give you some LBP stats about how many levels have been made and played and now I'll drop the bomb on you. All user created content from LBP1+2 will be available immediately in 3 HOH!!!! Now here's a new IP 

Bloodborne

Torches confirmed

Dark, dank, gruesome, ominous, miserable, evil, Resident Evil style dogs. Turns out this is what Project Beast has become which means this is the new game from the guys behind Demon's Souls and Dark Souls though Hidetaka Miyazaki has come forward saying that this is NOT Demon's Souls 2. Sadly there wasn't much to see during the trailer besides the aforementioned words that began this section. Definitely something you want to keep your eyes on though because who doesn't want more of these games, especially since this one has guns in it and you've got to wonder how they'll make that work.

Far Cry 4

So peaceful and serene...KILL THEM ALL

FINALLY some gameplay, but first let's talk about weaponised animals. Moving on w get to see some very nice looking scenery with a lot of verticality to it which you'd expect given the setting and all but you know what this game has always needed? Wingsuits, so grab one of those and continue moving through very nice looking foliage before trying to infiltrate an enemy camp and drop an oil barrel with a brick of C4 on an unsuspecting guard. All balls are on the wall at this point as we try to pursue the convoy in our liberated Tuk Tuk, now, vehicles were not a strong point in Far Cry 3..They handled like a brick and were useless since you could quick travel. This time however not only can you shoot from your vehicle but you can perform action takedowns from your vehicle to steal an enemy truck but oh no we need to destroy it so lets drive it off a cliff! Remember that wingsuit we picked up, well it's time to jump out of the truck and glide your way to safety as you whiz by beautifully rendered scenery and mountains and elephants.

Now I mentioned weaponised animals earlier and this is where we see that idea come into play, not before we call up our buddy to join us in his mechano helicopter and fly us over the local enemy camp. Taking to the skies in our kinder surprise toy we can shoot near the local wildlife in order to piss it off and make it go on a rampage, all the while we fly above and watch the madness like a BBC wildlife documentary. THIS is what I want to see, something fun! 

Dead Island 2

Role model

Well the award for the catchiest song of the conference goes to Deep Silver for this trailer. It all starts with an upbeat man with floppy hair going out for a jog, all the while he is oblivious to the zombies behind him and the world going to shit. But something's wrong, he's not looking so good anymore, he's looking a little...zombified. That is until he gets mowed down by a suped up death mobile and has his shoes stole by somebody who sounds very much like Jack Black..

This is a big step away from their previous trailer for the first Dead Island which was heart-wrenching and emotional and all kinds of great, the game was pretty bad but the trailer was great. This time everything's bright and colourful and funny which is a much better way to set up a game where you single handedly take out 1000's of zombies with ridiculous weapons. The PS4 will be getting exclusive content and a 30 day exclusive beta.

News fluff

Hey remember The Last of Us? Well it's coming back to PS4 and looks even shinier. Remember Diablo 3? Well Reaper of Souls is coming out and for some reason we're putting The Last of Us content in Diablo including clickers and an exclusive dungeon because money. I heard you wanted exclusive in-content on launch for Destiny, here you go. Oh and have you heard of Paradox Interactive because they've got something for you..

Magicka 2

Magic tea

What do you do when there's no more adventuring to be done? How does an almighty wizard return to an ordinary life, making tea and feeding his cat. Learn to spell...again with Magicka 2 coming exclusively to PS4 (and probably PC).

Grim Fandango..Yes I'm serious

The letter that asked for it, written by Tim Schafer

So...this was unexpected but fantastic news. The original cult classic is being remastered exclusively for PS4 and Vita so hold onto your anus.

Devolver mega bundle

Another big ol list of indie but not indie games coming to your PS4:

Broforce

Titan souls

Not a Hero

Hotline Miami 2 - Wrong Number

The Talos Principle 

Yes, you should be excited for pretty much all of these. Especially the shit kicking simulator Hotline Miami.

Let it Die

HMMMM!

Hey everyone, Suda 51 are back with a PS4 exclusive about murder or fight clubs or Manhunt 3? A highly underwhelming trailer with extremely low light levels and big dudes holding pipes and axes and baseball bats, all of which have stat windows for whatever reason. I'm sure kids will love this game but they're gonna have to wait till 2015 for it sorry.

Abzu

..and the fish will actually move out of your way

So Journey was a fantastic game and I would honestly marry it if I could annnnd this game has some equal promise since it's got the art director and composer working on it. The artstyle is just gorgeous and the music is amazing and there's whales! You're some kind of humanoid diver and you explore this gorgeous underwater world filled with all kinds of aquatic life for some reason yet unknown. Abzu will be making it's exclusive console debut on the PS4 and it's so very very pretty. Pretty.

No Mans Sky

Dinosaurs and spaceships guys come on

This took me by all kinds of surprise. A gorgeous, super colourful world filled with dinosaurs and aliens and did I mention you can jump in a spaceship and bugger off to find a whole new planet just like that? No Mans Sky is a procedurally generated exploration game which the developers say will provide an entirely different experience for every person who plays it. Everything is randomised based on the games generation algorithm, it's early days yet obviously but if they can deliver on those promises and there's actually stuff to do in the world besides explore then holy balls.

It's time for a statistics talk with Andrew House

no really, look at it!

Our console is fucking great, suck our balls. Here's project morpheus so you know it actually is real. Have some figures for PSN like how many people are on it and blah blah blah. We're doing so well we can afford to put YouTube on the PS4 now and you'll be able to upload gameplay directly which is actually great and will put so many lets players out of business as they're replaced by any kid with a PS4. 

Hey remember that spectator mode we talked about last year at E3, well it's still a thing but shhh here's some new playroom content including a dungeon background for all the people who like to bang on playroom. Did you know there are 25 free to play games on PS4 right now, me neither but Planetside 2 and loads more are coming soon.

PSNow, the service that will let you stream the entire playstation library (hopefully) will be in open beta on PS4 July 31st but only in the US and Canada because nowhere else seems to exist in the world. Don't forget though people, Sony do make and sell TVs which is why PSNow will be built into their TVs so all you need is a controller and you can take advantage of the great service (in the US and Canada). Remember Vita Tv? Neither do we but there's this new thing called Playstation TV which is coming Fall for $99 and also Vib Ribbon, that was a thing wasn't it...anyway

MORTAL KOMBAAAAT X

Yea that's the spot right there

I'm sure lots of you have seen the trailer that went up a few days/weeks ago showing a fight between Sub-Zero and Scorpion, well now here's an actual fight between the two with gameplay lifted straight out of Injustice. Definitely isn't going to stop me enjoying this because god damn it looks great and I want it right now so I can be just as mediocre at it as usual. The stages are a lot more interactive this time around, pick up a spectator and hurl them at your foe, jump off a tree and break a guys face. This time round you'll be able to identify these interactive objects much easier since they'll glow (sorta like Injustice) which again is great.

It wouldn't be a Mortal Kombat game unless it made you feel a little bit sick annnnnd guess what, it does that so very very well. The patented 'X-ray' moves are back with full force and every neck snap, bone break and spinal rupture sends a shiver down your spine, but then there's the fatalities which just take things to a whole new level. I won't spoil them for you but..wow. So over the top and it should be out now but it's not and I'm sad.

TV TELEVISION FLUFFNESS

EUGHHHHH WHY SONY WHY. Somebody comes out talking about Powers which is a comic of some description that's being made into a TV series and Sony is picking it up and it will be on PSN and PS+ and what not. Ratchet and Clank, they're a thing, a thing who are getting a film for whatever reason and there will be a remake of Ratchet and Clank coming in the first half of 2015...Also The Last of Us is coming out July 29th. Shiny Shiny.

Metal Gear Solid 5: The Phantom Pain

WHAT AM I

Odds are you probably saw this trailer already since it leaked the day before E3 but I'll tell you what I think. This game. Is. Sex. I'm not going to talk about it because you're better off just watching the trailer since I wouldn't be able to tell you what the balls was happening anyway. All hail Kojima!

Grand Theft Auto V

Higher res Trevor

Well it was inevitable really wasn't it. Coming sometime in Fall 2014 is a higher res version of the already damn nice looking all things considering GTAV and for the GTA online lovers out there don't worry, you'll be able to transfer your existing online characters just fine. 

It's not really Sony related but it's also coming out for PC finally as well so rejoice!

Arkham Knight

Bat nipples are missing

Mecha Batman returns to throw people off buildings but not actually kill them in Arkham Knight. Once again we're treated to a lovely seamless transition between cutscene and gameplay which is just the hallmark of 'next-gen' gaming. Now even though Batman does a pretty good job at flying or gliding or falling with style he does have that Batmobile and so as to not waste the money he spent insuring it and getting it taxed this time you'll be able to drive around in it or just press a button and it will turn up out of nowhere. It looks a lot like the Batmobile won't really be stopping for lamp posts or railings or trees or anything since it can just drive through them with relative ease.

It's not just a mode of transport though, it's a weapon, at the flick of a switch the Batmobile turns from over the top car to Bat-tank, not just any tank though, one that can strafe in what has to be the most arcadey design choice I've ever seen. What can I say, the game looks great so far and with the recent delay they've got some time to make sure it stays looking great. Then there were some problems with the tech, every started freezing and then this creepy assclown wearing a gasmask and a hessian bag came on screen. Yes Scarecrow was indeed there and he looked as horrendous as you'd expect, in a good way obviously, this is all to do with the Playstation exclusive Scarecrow missions or content or something to that effect.

One more game...will it be The Last Guardian? Will it? Please let it be..

Oh balls it's Uncharted 4 A Thief's End

I don't know, this cover may just be too exciting. Tone it down Naughty Dog

To some peoples horror and other peoples joy this was the last thing to be shown, though there wasn't really much to see just Nathan Drake pulling his face out of the ground and walking a bit. It's dark and ominous and probably sets things up well for something and it would be a safe bet to say this is the last Uncharted. Needless to say Uncharted fans lost their shit over this tiny tiny slice but 2015 is a long way away sadly.

END!

Summary

Sony Sony Sony, you started out so well this year then just lost it in the middle. I'm sure all the hardware and comic book talk didn't actually go on for 2 hours like I felt it did but still they should've had something incredibly strong to come out of that with and they fell short sadly. Also no Last Guardian, I may cry. Hopefully Nintendo can cheer me up...

Must..not...cry..I AM A MAN WITH MANY TEARS DAMMIT